A New Me?

So I promised that I would chronicle my time spent in South Africa, but I have not been as diligent as I would have liked for various reasons.  First, keeping up with it is time consuming.  I find myself writing down random thoughts on pieces of serviet (that's what they call napkins) so that I can blog about it later on.  My second reason for not keeping up was finding out that I joined the ranks of the likes of Hillary Clinton and John F. Kennedy Jr.--I did not pass the bar on my first attempt.  They say that everyone walks out of the bar believing that they fail, but it is generally not the case.  Unfortunately that did not apply to me.  Having heard from my sister, who received the letter, that I only failed by a couple of points, left me with mixed emotions--at least I didn't bomb it like I thought I did; and feeling annoyed that I have to take the entire exam over based on a couple points.  The bright side (if there is one in a situation like this) is I get a second chance.  My job is still in tow and I can begin working in January and retake the exam in February.  

The day after my results came out I woke up feeling like it was all a dream and I had not failed.  But then I received an e-mail with the following quote from Winston Churchill, "success in not final, failure is not fatal, it is the courage to continue that counts."  The reminder could not come at a better time because not passing the bar really knocked me on my heels.  I allowed myself to have a pity party for a day and cry about it, then I the following day I had a plan in place for going forward.  My pity party probably should have lasted a few more days because I was still upset even though I wanted to get over it, and it began permeating other aspects of my life.

For anyone who knows me, I chase success.  Not success in the sense of becoming wealthy, but rather setting a goal and achieving it.  As soon as one goal is conquered, I am already on my way to setting and attaining the next goal.  However, the gratification I obtain from an achievement is far less than the disappointment I feel when I am unsuccessful. 

I have always been the type of person who wears her emotions on her sleeves so it was clear to the people around me that I was not my usual self.  One of my friends invited me to lunch and asked at least four times whether I was doing okay.  Since I didn’t feel like talking about it, I tried to explain to him that I was fine.  We ended lunch with him saying that he would pray for me--he is Buddhist—and he purchased flowers from a shop on our way home.  The flowers are called Peony, which grow only in the cape for two weeks out of the year.  They take approximately one week to fully bloom and I promised him that by the time they bloomed, I would be back to my usual self. 

                                                                 one my peonies at full bloom

Failing the bar exam has also caused me to adjust the way I spend the remainder of my time here.  Prior to the result, I had been working on an assignment with the South African Department of Communications.  The country is in the process of switching from analog to digital which they hope to attain by November 2011.  This is a pretty lofty goal based on what they have accomplished to date.  The following day after receiving my results, I had to explain to one of the attorneys I was working with that I would be unable to continue with the project because I would have to cut back on work in order to focus on retaking the exam.  A Harvard grad and Columbia-trained attorney, she explained to me that it took her two attempts before she successfully passed the NY bar.  She is also Buddhist and she asked me to join her in an introduction to Buddhism class.

The only thing I honestly knew about Buddhism were the monks, the Dali Lama, and the term nam-myoho-renge-kyo, which I hear Angela Bassett say in What’s Love Got to Do With It.  I figured anything that could help me to overcome my awful mood would not hurt.  So with much apprehension I attended the meeting.  I was a bit uncomfortable when the chanting started, but I promised myself I would embrace the experience like everything else I encountered during my time here.  I also promised the attorney that I would devote at least three months to the practice before forming an opinion.  The practice has definitely allowed me some time to meditate and devote focus to my thoughts, but I don’t see myself changing from being a Roman Catholic to a Buddhist.  Ultimately, I believe that Buddhism is very similar to our everyday lives as we are constantly trying to develop and enhance our personal and social attributes.